June 2nd, 2005

Time: 11:31 pm

Do what you want but I know who you are Say what you want but I know what you're thinking Go where you want but I won't be too far Go where want and I know where you'll end up If you fall in love Fall in love and hold nothing back I'll fall in love Fall in love and hold nothing back from you, oh You oh You oh You Do what you want but I know who you are Say what you want but I know what you're thinking If you fall in love Fall in love and hold nothing back I'll fall in love Fall in love and hold nothing back from you, oh You oh You oh YOU.

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May 15th, 2005

Time: 10:44 pm

yes i'm still around. just hanging out on myspace way too much. i found this writing and it still applies today: Though my life is coming to a crucial turning point, I fear that I am not ready. I am anxious to see what comes in the future, but I am scared that I will not be able to conquer all that I am faced with. I know that God will be right there, aiding me throughout it all, and sometimes even carrying me when I have no strength left. My worst fear is not making a significant impact on others’ lives. I want to be able to look down from heaven on the day of my funeral, and see people completely affected by the encounters they had with me. The only way I can do that is through God. I know the person God wants me to be, and I know I am not there yet. I believe that in order to fully become the real “you”, you need to be willing to sacrifice those things that you know are not necessarily helping your character. I am frank enough to state that I am not willing to give up those things yet. I willingly admit that I am not ready. I am just hoping that God takes that as a humble self-declaration. I do not claim to be the perfect Christian. I know that I have many faults and many sins that I participate in. But my heart is true. I am real. I know that God has made my heart with the spirit of His, and someday that heart will wholly shine through. I do not judge those who are not walking with God, I do not deject those who are living the secular life of the world, because I know that everyone struggles with different forms of sin, and as the word says “a sin is a sin”, no matter its magnitude. I just pray that those who do not know God can be stronger than I am when it comes to weaknesses. I know that I am strong at heart, but my flesh is weak. I just want to spread the love of God. God is love. And the greatest of all things is love. A love that is never failing, never judgmental, never favoring. A love that is always there, regardless of how many mistakes are made. Love keeps no records of wrongs, and is patient with our human-ness. We can be away from God for years, and He’ll still be right behind us, waiting patiently for our cry for help, and eager to sweep us off our feet. That, to me, is unfathomable. That, to me, is true love.

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April 8th, 2005

Time: 10:08 pm

i had the best evening last night!!!! thank the lord for showing me some things are worth waiting for. and tomorrow is going to be an even better day! I CAN'T WAIT!!! we're going to sweep biola, and then i'm going to have a wonderful evening with a very fun and caring person! p.s. the acceptance boys are coming to town in a week or so... SOOO excited! i'm so proud of them and excited to see everyone be blown away by their cd! they're gonna be HUGE! <3

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March 28th, 2005

Time: 01:08 am

had a fun weekend at home. got to see all the people i love and couple people i dont, but all in all a good weekend. i already miss home. jordan and i had a great conversation friday night- filled with yelling and then ALOT of tears but it ended magnificiantly (sp?) and i love him so much more now. he's such a blessing, even if he is so fricking opinionated. i love all my friends, they are amazing. i'm convinced i have the best mother in the world. she's my best friend and although she gets on my nerves sometimes... i know she has ALWAYS and WILL ALWAYS love me-- mistakes and all. easter sunday was good.. church was good, i cried... but i always do. other than that. back to orange county, back to school, back to softball... two of those things i don't mind at all. (HINT: school's not one of them) whatever. that's life. 1 year and i'm doing just fine. ___________________________________________ You tried so hard to make me stumble... But I'm so much stronger than that.

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March 5th, 2005

Subject: plumb Time: 12:13 am

I LOVE the band PLUMB. One of my friends randomly brought out their cd tonite, and I haven't listened to them since high school... so we put it on my ipod. I used to listen to this cd everyday and my best bud and i would belt it out at the top of our lungs!!! ahhh... those were the days. p.s. they have amazing lyrics, and you know how i feel about that. I watched you sit alone I watched you cry your eyes out Now tell me what you've done is it so bad that I would shut you out And leave you here alone Yes, I saw what you did I was right there with you I won't let you sink No, I forgive you Phobic Don't be Grace needs a little more freedom Phobic Don't be Love needs room to breathe I have watched you grow And I've stood in your shadow I've never walked away I hung the stars and I hold your heart So, don't ever be afraid Yes, I know when you breathe And I feel when you need I won't let you sink No, I forgive you You can be healed You can be free You can know peace Never be afraid again Never be afraid Never be afraid He's here ---------- in my heart i had hope built on dreams i'll never know answers to love left behind. I have a HUGE game tomorrow. I can't sleep though. Ehhhhh.... <3

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December 24th, 2004

Time: 01:27 am

FIVE WORDS: kelly clarkson- "because of you" listen to it.

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December 21st, 2004

Time: 10:35 am

GOING HOME TODAY!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! i missed home so much. can't wait. <3

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December 19th, 2004

Time: 01:27 am

i remember when you filled my heart with joy was i blind to the truth? just there to fill the space cuz now you have no interest in anything that i have to say i've allowed you to make me feel i feel so dumb what kind of fool am i? you so easily set me aside you made a fool of me tell me why you say that you don't care but we made love tell me why you made a fool of me you made a fool of me i want to kiss you does she want you with the pain that i do i smell you in my dreams but now when we're face to face you won't look me in the eye no time, no pleasure, no love you say don't touch you i can't touch you no more i can't touch you anymore anymore... you made a fool of me tell me why, tell me why you say that you don't care but we made love tell me why Over a year since it started back up again.... starting up again... its starting up again.... we'll be watching your back. It's permanent. NOTHING IS PERMANENT. NOTHING.

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Time: 01:19 am

God, I can't do it anymore. I can't hold on to it. Please, take it away. I am done, I am not strong enough and I need you to take it off my heart. Its weighing me down..... It's killing me. I get to go home and see my family next week, couldn't have been better timing, I need home to refresh my spirits. <3

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December 16th, 2004

Time: 07:05 pm

I just wanted to let all my friends know... I found out last week that my brother got re-activated, and he is going to be shipped back to Iraq in January sometime. He's already been there once for 6 months, so its a little frustrating because we thought he was done serving his duty. But my family and I know that its all in God's hands, and my brother is completely happy to serve his country all over again. He even said last time when he came back from Iraq that he'd do it all over again, and well... here's his chance. Please pray for my family (especially my mom), my brothers girlfriend (who is taking it very hard) and ALL THE FAMILIES who have to deal with having a loved one over seas fighting for their country. You don't have to support the war, but you can support the people fighting for us. Thanks guys/gals. <3 Holly

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November 29th, 2004

Time: 09:43 pm

All that I needed to hear from you Something of value but something untrue All that I wished that I'd find within you Stings when I see all the ways that you... Took me for granted and told me it's through Picked from my pockets and smiled Empty is nothing and nothing is you Think I'll just sit for a while See how what I wanted and I needed It wasn't enough in the end... -yellowcard- i went to the starting line/yellowcard show on saturday night. it was overall a great show, mostly because of yellowcard. i wasn't fully impressed with how starting line sounded, but i still love them. it was the last night of the tour and it was great one to end on... i just feel so happy for those guys, you can tell that their dream has totally come true, and they absolutely LOVE doing what they do, and love all their fans. plus, they are great guys, so they deserve it. favorite songs played, "gifts and curses", "one year six months", "only one", "back home".... especially "back home"... completely AMAZING having them belt that song out along with the crowd. AMAZING feeling.... another sunny day in californ-i-a i'm sure back home they'd love to see it but they don't know that what you love is ripped away before you get a chance to feel it everybody here is living life in fear of falling out of line tearing lives apart and breaking lots of hearts, just to pass the time and my eyes get red in the back of your head, this place will make you blind put it all behind me and i'll be just fine another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky sometimes i wish that it would rain here and wash away the west coast dreaming from my eyes there's nothing real for them to see here another starry night in californ-i-a i'm sure back home they'd love to see it but they don't know that what you love is ripped away before you get a chance to feel it...

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Time: 10:54 am

i loved him lord. i loved him enough to die for him, and he did this to me. maybe he's beyond redemption. how do you forgive someone who doesn't even care enough to want to be forgiven? read the book redeeming love. probably one of THEE best books ever. god is faithful regardless. look at the story of hosea in the bible. <3

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November 27th, 2004

Time: 02:56 pm

she's the liar, that comes to live all we had till now is gone and i'm the other piece to this everytime i feel this inside i wanna be the one who caught you so take cover never saw it coming till you put me on again had you no other the game, the lie is getting old she starts to feel it on her own she makes the city seem like home all you had from me is gone and i give and i give but you hope in return never thought i'd be the one to burn everytime i feel this inside i wanna be the one to i wanna be the one who caught you so take cover never saw it coming till you put me on again had you no other the game, the lie is getting old ------------------------------------------ watch it go, watch it go, watch it go she'll have to cut it away to save her life and she knows, see she knows its like a fatal disease, you'll hear her cry take this, make it something beautiful again make this, make this happen cuz you're beautiful to them. turning to them caught you anyway, i'm gonna say that i've been taken over no, let's go again, and tell me when and i'll be taking over and you know that i'll never do it again, again and i tell you i love you, say it again, again turning to them got you anyway, i'm gonna say that i've been taken over no, lets go again, and tell me when and i'll be taking over and time stands still inside a picture and time moves on, to the next one

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October 15th, 2004

Time: 11:43 pm

what is it with guys from my past... who have used and abused my loving nature... returning randomly to make "amends"?!?!?!?!? seriously.. it weirds me out. got a call from an old friend, jason, who i haven't talked to in over a year. he said he's totally straightened his life out (he was a coke addict, and really messed up, but of course, i was willing to help him out any way i could).... and is making money, living on his own, bought a car, etc. and he wanted to get back in touch because he knows we ended on bad terms and wanted to say sorry and become friends again.... SOUNDS FAMILIAR!?!?!??!?!?!? fuck. anyways. so we'll see what happens. i mean, it makes me happy to hear he's got his life together... but i've heard that line before... and well... look where that brought me.... to hell. sooooo.... yea.... whatever. i'm loving working at starbucks. its fun and i love everyone i work with, they are awesome people. its a busy job and a very multi-tasking type environment... but i love it. plus, free coffee. yea, i have 50 innings of softball to play tomorrow... then i get to kick it with my boy joshua.... i love that kid... he's probably one of the most REAL friends i have. plus he's determined to set me and his roommate (who's an amazing guitar player in a punk band!) up!!! again... we'll see. i am over and out. tired like woah.

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September 24th, 2004

Time: 05:13 pm

its hard to say how i feel today for years gone by, and i cry its hard to say i was wrong its hard to say i miss you since you've been gone its not the same its hard to say i held my tounge its so hard to say "if only" since you've been gone i'm not the same worst than a fear is the lie you told a thousand times before... *the used "hard to say"* my 21st birthday is coming up so freaking soon... i can't wait. kbye

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September 17th, 2004

Time: 12:41 am

It still hurts everyday The pain hasn’t subsided All the emotions are constant The heartache vividly colored But you’re on with your life Living amongst the deceit While I sit here still caring Wondering if you even think twice of what you’ve done to me.

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September 15th, 2004

Current Music: the cure- promise Subject: remembering the first one... Time: 12:18 am

last year was one of our better years in a life full of separation it's ok to second guess just as long as you remember she's gone.. in the bright of day it might seem like the stars are gone they never leave, they come back when the sun moves on it's over now you watched me as i turned around it's not why, but how the light is on i'll come home now i feel it's been such a long time since her eyes have met with mine i feel it's been such a long time i'm glad you've made up your mind it's hurting me from the inside if i only had something to say maybe if i prove that i'm right will it still be safe to stay?

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September 12th, 2004

Subject: our wedding song.... ex- that is Time: 03:06 am

You're there by my side In every way I know that you would not forsake me I give you my life Would not think twice Your love is all I need believe me I may not say it quite as much as I should When I say I love you darling that means for good So open up your heart and let me in And I will love you 'til forever Until death do us part we'll be together So take my hand and hold on tight And we'll get there This I swear I'm wondering how I ever got by Without you in my life to guide me Where ever I go the one thing that's true Is everything I do I do for you I may not say it half as much as I should When I say I love you darling that means for good So open up your heart and let me in And I will love you 'til forever Until death do us part we'll be together So take my hand and hold on tight And we'll get there This I swear So whenever you get weary Just reach out for me I'll never let you down my love And I will love you 'til forever Until death do us part we'll be together So take my hand and hold on tight And we'll get there And I will love you 'til forever Until death do us part we'll be together So take my hand and hold on tight And we'll get there Ohh we'll get there This I swear.... wonder and pray... everyday. and i love you still, this is ever true... after all you said, did you think it through. lord, your will is the only perfect will. please protect my heart and fulfill your will....... please lord. <3

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September 1st, 2004

Time: 10:10 pm

blah. school has started.... and i am already procrastinating!! effffffffffffffff.... anywho... besides that, my house has come up with a list of names we do not like. we are never going to hang out with or date anyone with these names: jason mike evan john p.s. there are way too many mikes and johns in this world. soooo yea... i miss the acceptance and gatsby's boys, although i am still keeping in contact and i heard their shows are still excellent!!! good for them, i am excited for the next time around. i love hanging out with all those boys, they are truly awesome people. well, i guess its time for my b.s.ing skills to come through and shine. kbye <3

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August 20th, 2004

Time: 02:42 am Current Mood: indescribable

been home for like... three days.. and i haven't gone to sleep before two yet. the acceptance boys are here.... i love those guys to death. the gatsby boys are rad too... and i have a new merch buddy... hahaha.. richie from the snake the cross the crown (their merch guy) he's soooo fricking rad. the shows are awesome too... all the bands are playing well. tomorrow night (tonight) is chain reaction... that place always brings a good show. can i say that acceptance's set has risen to a new amazement. the new songs sound awesome live. the lyrics are indescribable (sp?) i have a new appreciation for the meaning behind them, and the emotion of what jay is singing. its a feeling that only those who really know what/who he's singing about can feel. but it honestly has helped me "vent" or "cope" in a sense.... so a huge thanks to jay for being such an amazing songwriter what it would be like to look at the person in the face and be singing the song that tells how much they hurt you. knowing that its far from over, this one belongs to you. <3

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